I Bought a Ficus & Lost Control of My Life
I don’t remember exactly why I bought the ficus. Maybe it was the glossy leaves. Maybe it was the 15% off sale. Maybe I thought I needed to prove to myself—and my cat—that I could be a real adult. You know, the kind who waters things regularly and owns more than one spatula.
But what I do remember is this: everything changed after that plant came home.
🌱 The Warning Signs Were There
It started off innocent enough. I brought the ficus home, gave it a name (Florence, obviously), and placed it in a sunny corner like a proud new plant parent. I watered it. I fussed over it. I bought it a prettier pot than any of my mugs.
Then I rearranged my entire living room so Florence could have a better view.
And that’s when things got weird.
🛋️ One Plant, One Domino Effect
Once Florence had her perfect spot, everything else started to feel… wrong. The other plants? Jealous. The throw pillows? Clashing. The lighting? Off. I found myself deep into a DIY vortex at 2 a.m., researching soil pH levels and debating the ethics of misting.
I even bought a watering can. Not a cute one—an efficient one. The kind of watering can that says, “I’m not just a plant parent, I’m a plant manager.”
🐾 My Pets Were Suspicious
My cat, who usually respects my questionable life choices from a distance, started side-eyeing Florence like she was a threat. And maybe she was.
My dog tried to be supportive, but I caught him licking condensation off the ficus leaves with a look that said, “You used to be fun.”
I wasn’t fun anymore. I was someone who googled “ficus leaf drop anxiety.”
🧹 The Ficus Lifestyle
Before I knew it, I was buying terracotta saucers in bulk. I had opinions about perlite. I started using the word “thriving” unironically.
Meanwhile, my social life was wilting like the pothos I forgot to water (again). I skipped brunch to repot Florence. I canceled plans to research grow lights. I joined a Facebook group for Ficus Enthusiasts, and I stayed.
🌿 The Conclusion? Mixed
Do I regret buying a ficus? Not really. Sure, she’s demanding. Sure, she’s triggered a minor existential crisis and a significant increase in humidity awareness. But she’s also made me think about what I want to nurture—and what corners of my life need a little more light.
Also, she’s alive. And in this economy? That’s a win.
So if you’re thinking of buying a ficus… proceed with caution. You might just lose control of your life.
But at least your living room will look fantastic while it’s happening.
Your Turn, Plant Parent!
Have you ever bought one houseplant and accidentally changed your whole personality? (Same.)
Tag @whiskersprig with your most dramatic plant decisions—we’ll laugh, cry, and repot together.
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